How to be your own biggest fan (without being a jerk about it)
Self-Regard is the Key to Confidence and Authentic Inner Authority
Being your own biggest fan. Not sure how you grew up, but this creates a fair bit of discomfort in my neck of the woods. There’s a fine line between self-confidence and coming off like an entitled know-it-all. That line starts with how you think about yourself, deep inside. People with a healthy sense of Self-Regard balance ability and humility effortlessly well. Meanwhile, people who cover up their insecurities with bravado tend to come off more like a car alarm than a calm and collected presence.
Emotional Intelligence helps us find that sweet spot of authentic inner authority and balanced self-perception without stepping on anyone’s toes. In this article, we’ll explore “Self-Regard,” one of the key foundations of emotional intelligence, and give you a chance to examine whether Self-Regard can change how you see yourself (and how the world sees you, too).
But first, a quick intro on Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and why it’s so dang important right now: Studies show that individuals with high EQ outperform those with low EQ, not only in their access to meaningful opportunities and relationships, but also in earning potential.
People with high EQ make more money (on average, +$30k/year more) and are more successful than those with low EQ.
Wait a minute; for the last century of our Westernized occupational landscape, cognitive intelligence (IQ), productivity (the grind), and technical expertise (skills and abilities) have been touted as the drivers of success. Why the shift? Simple. The world, business, and money are now much more relational; driven by technology and borderless economies, globalization (and the interwebs) is transforming how we connect and interact. We no longer operate in silos (if we ever really did).
So now that we have some of the basics of EQ underway, a core concept of Emotional Intelligence is called Self-Regard, which relates to how you perceive yourself.
“Okay, why is this so important? Can’t I just move along as I always have, focusing on other people’s opinions of me more than my own opinion of me? My own opinion of me isn’t that great. I criticize myself a lot.”
Fair point. But focusing solely on what others think of you leads to a lifetime of people-pleasing contortionism, twisting yourself to fit the expectations of those around you—whether you like them or not. This type of performance will prevent you from steering your own destiny. You’d be battered by the waves of Other People’s Perceptions constantly. “You down with O.P.P.?” Yeah…not me.
Self-Regard is not blind self-esteem either. Too much emphasis given to fractious self-esteem can create major blind spots in our self-awareness, preventing us from seeing that we maybe not be that great at something. Over-baked self-esteem creates problems with entitlement, narcissism, and a certain fragility toward any feedback that we need to improve. It takes a fair bit of courage to look at oneself and say, “Whelp, I did my best here and it just didn’t measure up,” without falling apart. A person entrenched in the overdone self-esteem camp might try to cover up misfired attempts at something by saying, “My best was good enough; it’s everyone else that doesn’t get it” (resentful, defensive), or, “I don’t care about this anyway; I’ll just quit. It doesn’t really matter if I get it or not” (perfectionistic, avoidant, nihilistic).
A strong sense of Self-Regard allows you to evaluate your strengths and limitations honestly. Instead of trying to blanket over weaknesses with a sort of “la la la! (fingers in ears) I can’t hear you!” kind of attitude, you can look at what is undesirable and needs improvement with the confidence that what you’re staring at is something you have the power change and grow from. At the heart of Self-Regard is the belief in your ability to create the outcomes you want, no matter the circumstances.
Further, Self-Regard creates a deeply rooted respect for yourself. You can look at yourself honestly and gracefully without ignoring what you don’t like or exaggerating over your insecurities. Instead, you see yourself as a growing, evolving individual with flaws and brilliant qualities. This kind of maturity breeds resilience. Highs of success are met with measured appreciation, and lows of failures temporary setbacks are met with patience, self-compassion, and maybe even gratitude for the journey you’ve just experienced. Everyone…literally everyone starts at the beginning. There are no shortcuts. What separates the inventor who persists through 10,000 attempts from the person who quits after the first try is respect for the process. That’s resilience.
Back to the performative parts that Self-Regard seeks to heal, boundaries are a must.
If you find yourself always catering to the whims and expectations of others, you will meet with a fair amount of resentment in your life. You’re not choosing what you want; you’re letting other people choose for you.
Boundaries can be difficult for people-pleasers at first, so be very gentle with yourself as you learn. Whenever I’m working with someone who is starting to say “no” to people-pleasing patterns, I warn them that they’re entering a phase where they’ll feel like a “sociopath” for a while because they are no longer imagining what other people think and feel 24/7. Of course, they’re nowhere near being a sociopath; they’re simply learning that they don’t have to let other people’s perceptions live rent-free in their head. Once they get the hang of this, a massive liberation follows. Oh, the level of cognitive freedom once this habit of “guess the other person’s feelings!” is finally set down for good.
The final key aspect of Self-Regard is letting go of the habit of comparing yourself to others—ideally, you stop doing it altogether. Self-regard means you understand and respect your own journey. The only person you’re competing with is you from the day before. Self-regard and self-worth tie closely to personal accountability. It’s wonderful to be inspired by other people’s achievements. But their achievements are solely theirs. And your achievements are solely yours. Your path is unique, just as theirs is. Personal accountability means you take ownership of creating your own path, with the understanding that it might be challenging. But you can do it. You may even discover that the difficult times also fuel a sense of deep personal meaning.
The emotional landscape of Self-Regard is this: Contentment, Gratitude, Compassion, and Strength. You’re Content with where you’re at. And if there’s somewhere else you want to be, you create a path for yourself to get there–with full awareness that you’re not going to get it perfect or even right on the onset. But you keep trying. You have Gratitude for yourself in the process. You thank yourself for showing up, even when it’s hard, even when you feel that no one else cares. Even when (and maybe especially when) no one else but you is cheering you on. This is where Compassion comes in. You absolutely REFUSE to let your brain be a jerk to you. If you start thinking thoughts like, “I won’t ever get this right. Why try?” or something of the like, you redirect these to something kinder and more appreciative of yourself: “No one gets it perfect the first time. I’m doing the best I can, and I’m always getting better. I’ll take things one step at a time.” Strength of mind creates strength of character. And if you do not allow your brain to think self-demeaning and critical thoughts about you, you win. And you will become very, very strong inside.
Speaking of taking things one step at a time, this is where your intuition will be immensely helpful. Whenever you catch yourself thinking down a road of critical and not-very-self-affirming talk, and you’d like to redirect, you can say to yourself: “I easily release this thought.” Maybe check in with your emotions here. Are you dealing with fear, self-doubt, or an overabundance of trying to control every outcome? If so, you can put those down, too.
Say to yourself, “I easily release all fear. I easily release all doubt. I easily release all control.”
Then pause.
Whatever thought, image, or feeling that comes next (provided it’s not critical of you) IS your intuition.
What does it have to say to you?
Your intuitive voice is your internal guide. And it is ALWAYS truthful, kind, and helpful. When you sense this voice, feeling, or awareness giving you an encouraging nudge, listen to it. This will help you connect with a much deeper sense of Self-Regard. With practice and devotion, you’ll not only cultivate immense respect for yourself but also elevate your personal responsibility—for your thoughts, actions, and outcomes—to off-the-charts new levels. You won’t need validation from others, but you’ll receive it nonetheless. Your energy, presence, and demeanor will shift, and people will notice a difference in you. They’ll be very interested in you, too. Why? Because you seem wildly different than the status—self-doubting—quo.
People who respect themselves and know their own worth are people we love to pay attention to. Their wisdom “hits different.” They have an obvious maturity about them, and you’ll never catch them putting themselves down. They won’t put you down, either. Committing to Self-Regard creates balance in your life and your relationships. Thank yourself now for even contemplating this journey for yourself. Big results will follow.
Thanks for taking a look at the case for Self-Regard. I hope you found something useful and feel inspired to explore how creating Self-Regard will lead you to incredible growth in how you see yourself and how the world sees you, too. You got this.
If you liked this article and want to participate in a free workshop on Self-Regard on October 17, 2024, 12p MDT, click this button to sign up: