It's time we talk about your mind
And why you haven't gotten what you want yet
This is way more common than we talk about. It’s time we should.
When your life gets quiet for a nice, supposed-to-be-relaxing evening at home, your mind starts to get loud. Or maybe it happens right before you go to bed. You’re exhausted, ready to crawl under the covers, then zing! your mind kicks on again, racing like it’s trying to speed through rush hour traffic.
It starts planning for things that feel hypothetically important right now. Worrying about something you did or need to do. Spinning out on that unsolved mystery between you, a situation, or another person. Or (my favorite), replaying that awkward thing you said in 2014.
What the heck is your mind doing? Why can’t it chill when it’s supposed to? At this point, most of us have started to live with this and call it normal. It’s not.
This is the “doubting default” of your mind. It’s like leaving your car revving in the driveway; it looks like it’s about to go somewhere important, but without a map and some steering, it’s just burning fuel.
But here’s the cool part. What you just did—you thinking about your thinking just now—is a superpower called “metacognition.” The word was coined in the 70s, but people have been studying this concept since ancient Greece.
I like to call it “catching your brain in the act.” Now here’s where metacognition can get interesting.
Think of something specific that feels uncertain in your life right now. Something that’s got your brain spinning itself in circles. Uncontrollably.
Got it?
Now, say this to yourself. Not just read it to yourself, but say it in your own mind and pause for a few moments to see what effect it creates:
“This is turning out better than I expect.”
What did your mind do right after you said it?
No judgment. Just observation. People’s reactions usually span from something like, ‘yeah, I already know that,’ or, ‘yeah right.’ Did your mind gloss over that sentence, purposefully not taking it in, because it lowkey thinks, ‘this is stupid, and of course things are not turning out alright. Have you seen how absurd and out of control [that situation] is?’ Did you feel gripped by a moment of anxiety that you felt in your chest?
Whatever you can observe about your thoughts right now tells you a lot about how your mind is doing. Because how your mind handles new information, the uncertain, or the unknown is why your thoughts are waking you up at 3am and why you can’t focus on your favorite TV show when you want to relax.
Your brain just wants to protect you. It’s sweet, really. But it’s also a little dramatic. And it’s definitely skeptical about things turning out well for you.
That’s called doubt.
Now doubt is one of those habits of mind that’s hard to spot at first, but once you get a line on how it’s operating, you can’t unsee it.
It’ll have commentary for everything.
It’ll question you. Your efforts. The actions you have taken, or the actions you have yet to take. It’ll question him, her, and everyone in between. It’ll comment on the state of the world ad nauseam and then decide that no good will ever come of it. That it’s all doomed and we’re screwed. It’ll doubt every positive thing that enters into your life with the speed and precision to ensure you never trust a nice thing for yourself again.
Whatever your particular flavor for doubt is, noticing how it shows up in your mind is really, really important. Because for most people, doubt is 100% running the show of their thoughts, and they’re not aware of it. It’s making decisions for them, and it’s literally preventing them from reaching the goals they want. Even the ones they’re actively trying to get at.
Ever set important goals or tried “manifesting” them, only to have them spectacularly not happen? Then you spend days, weeks, or even years questioning whether you should give up the dream, wondering if you’re simply not good enough or if things will ever work out for you? You should probably stop hoping, trying, or both.
You’d be surprised how much the mental habit of doubt is actually preventing you from the life you’re trying to get at.
It whispers right before you’re about to take the leap. Or try that new thing. Or put yourself out there. Or get to your next level of success.
Doubt’s job is to question you at every turn. It’s really good at its job, too.
If you haven’t gotten what you want out of life yet, the resistance and invisible force you’re fighting against is doubt disguised in your mind.
It’s not because you’re on the wrong path. Or you’re doing something incorrectly. It’s not because you haven’t found the right strategy or therapist yet. It’s because your mind has this nasty habit that is talking down to you, without you knowing it, all in the name of trying to keep you “safe.” It’s holding you back.
So when you’re willing to think about your thoughts metacognitively, and you’re willing to entertain the idea that “yeah, OK, maybe doubt has been running the show in my mind for a long time, and maybe it has disguised itself as something I thought was useful, but really it’s just starting to get played out and annoying, and I’m tired of not reaching my goals…”
…now we’re getting somewhere.
To be aware of one’s mind and the thoughts it thinks is a superpower. Because your mind is the source of your entire life. Everything you feel, experience, aim for, and achieve all starts in the universe between your ears.
And it is a universe, by the way. Trillions of neurons firing constantly create the mind you’re using to think and read with now. More neural connections than stars in the galaxy. And if your universe-mind isn’t being kind to you, if it’s filled with self-diminishing thoughts floating around like asteroids, crashing into the planets of your hopes, goals, and dreams—well, it’s time to launch a few rockets of truth in there to straighten a few things out and brighten your horizon.
You can’t fight doubt or the thoughts it creates.
Trying to fight it is like trying to kill the Hydra. You cut off one head, and two more grow in its place. So when you’re trying to blanket over a doubtful thought with something like, “Just be more patient; it’ll work out eventually,” the doubtful mind will snap back, giving you a 17-slide PowerPoint explaining how and when the last time you said that, it didn’t work out, so this time won’t be any different.
You can’t reason with doubt.
Trying to reason with doubt is like trying to reason with a toddler having a tantrum. It’s not about the crust on the PB&J. It’s about being dysregulated internally, and it’s probably time for a nap.
And running at doubt head-on will only create more doubt. So you have to sort of “misdirect” it a bit by giving the mind something else to think about. Look over here!
“This is turning out better than I expect.”
We covered this sentence earlier, but let’s take a moment to see how this actually works in a doubting mind.
The whole problem here is that a doubting mind does not like uncertainty. It does not like the feeling of not knowing how something will turn out. To cope, it sends up road-flare signals of doubtful thoughts that attempt to clarify and predict the path ahead. When it doesn’t get any evidence that the road ahead is actually ok, it sends up what it thinks is evidence to warn you. “Danger danger! It’s dark, and I can’t see anything, so I guess that means there’s a cliff with a 50-foot drop in front of us.” Out of a universe of infinite possible outcomes, that’s the one the doubtful mind chooses. Straight doom.
It means well.
But this sentence is structured to give that doubtful mind a tiny flashlight and tell it to move forward as cautiously as it likes, as long as it’s looking ahead.
“Find whatever you want, doubtful mind, as long as it fits within these parameters: look for it working out better than you (the doubt) expect.”
Kind of a low bar, right? That’s the point.
The doubtful mind is predicting doom. So even one sliver of evidence, 0.004 percent better than it expects, is now classified to the mind as good evidence. And that’s evidence you can build on (provided you don't immediately doubt it).
Looking for the smallest pieces of evidence that things are working out OK, the doubtful mind can learn a few things. In time, and with practice, the mind lets go of what it thinks it knows in favor of what it’s actually observing. So we’re not fighting doubt or gaslighting the mind to “just be more positive.” We’re training it to look for what’s working. Even if it’s the smallest bits of proof ever—just one teensy step above doom—it still counts.
Now for the reality check.
If you’ve had a lifetime of doubt as your co-pilot, your mind will not change overnight. You have years of evidence that the doubt in some areas of your life has been legitimate. But if that doubt is creeping into areas that are important to you— stuff you want to believe will work out—it’s time to take doubt’s threats seriously. Because what the mind repeatedly imagines, it will eventually create. Think doom, get doom.
I’m assuming you have a whole list of good things you want to happen for you. But doubt is literally blocking the doorway to noticing and receiving them.
“This is turning out better than I expect” is a cognitive habit designed to starve doubt of its mental dominance and get your mind noticing new things—good things—that indicate you are moving toward what you want.
The more you practice this sentence and note the evidence it brings you, the more good things you’ll notice. The more good things you notice, the more confident you’ll become in your plans. And your plans will actually start to work out like they're supposed to.
Remember: the bigger your goals are, the more confidence and evidence you’ll need.
So with a metacognitive practice like this one, get really good at looking for evidence that things are working out for you, and bonus points for writing it down and keeping track of your growth.
You can believe in yourself and your goals. One step at a time. Your mind will shift, and your life will finally deliver what you want. Just remember that doubt cannot be invited to your party. That would be…awkward…since it’s been talking crap about you and your goals this entire time.